A book can help with
For teaching a child, early and calmly, that they are the boss of their own body.
This is one of those subjects parents put off because it feels heavy, and then find is far easier than expected once a book is doing the talking. It isn’t a frightening conversation. It’s a practical one about proper names for body parts, who is allowed to touch, the difference between a secret and a surprise, and which grown-ups a child can always tell.
Specialists in this area recommend starting young and keeping it matter-of-fact, because a child who knows the correct words and understands they can say no is far better placed to speak up if something isn’t right. Books make that conversation ordinary rather than alarming.
Here’s what I’d reach for. Find your child’s age and start there.
The first idea
For the very youngest it’s simply that their body belongs to them and they may say no to a cuddle.
A board book made with early childhood specialists, covering proper names for body parts, that some people like hugs and some don’t, and that grown-ups sometimes ask things to keep you safe. There are notes at the back for the adult reading it. The best first book on the subject.
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Through familiar scenes like greetings, tickling and bath time, a child learns that they have a body boundary and every right to speak up when they’re uncomfortable. It focuses on the child’s own voice rather than on danger. Calm, and there are discussion questions included.
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Safe and unsafe
Now a child can learn the practical safety skills: private parts, early warning signs, and who to tell.
This covers safe and unsafe touch, the correct words for private parts, the difference between secrets and surprises, and building a network of trusted adults including one outside the family. It’s thorough and entirely unfrightening, and it is probably the most widely used book on body safety. Read it yourself first so you’re ready for the questions.
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A companion covering body ownership, respect and recognising when something doesn’t feel right, with plenty of discussion questions. It works well alongside the book above, or on its own. Practical and gently done.
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Saying it out loud
By now a child needs the words as well as the idea, and needs to know that the rule holds with people they know and like, not only with strangers. Each of these hands the decision back to the child rather than handing them a list of dangers.
A cartoon guide to being in charge of your own body, from the illustrator behind the Tea Consent video. It covers setting a boundary, noticing when your gut says no, and what to do when the person crossing the line is somebody you know. Funny enough that a child will read it on their own, which matters more here than almost anywhere.
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Aria loves her hair and everybody keeps reaching for it without asking, so she runs to the bottom of the sea and out into space and they follow her there too. It reads younger than the rest of this band, and it stays useful well past that, because a child dealing with this at school will recognise every page. Aria is the one who ends it, by saying so.
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The harder version
At this age consent widens out to friendships, photographs, phones and the beginnings of romance, and a child needs more than a rule. These are proper reference books to keep on a shelf and go back to.
A frank, funny handbook that starts with haircuts and blood pressure cuffs and works its way through power imbalances, online spaces and mutual comfort. Read it first: the later chapters are explicitly about sexual consent, including sex itself, so you may want to choose your moment or read those parts alongside your child.
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The standard illustrated guide to bodies and growing up, and the reason it belongs on this page is its clear, unembarrassed treatment of what is and is not all right for anyone to do to your body. Written with a health educator and updated several times since the 1990s. Some parents find the drawings frank, so it is worth a look yourself first.
or on Bookshop.org
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Something to do together
A page for a child to name the grown-ups they could always tell, including one outside the family, and to keep somewhere they can see it. I’m making it now, and it will live here soon.
Child protection specialists broadly agree on the same points: use the proper anatomical names, teach that private parts are private, explain the difference between a surprise and a secret that makes you uncomfortable, and help a child name several trusted adults they could tell.
So keep the tone calm and matter-of-fact rather than frightening, revisit it now and then rather than doing it once, and make clear that they will never be in trouble for telling you something. If you are ever worried that a child has been harmed, contact your local child protection service or the police, who are there for exactly this.
These pages are written for the grown-ups looking after a child: parents, teachers and carers. A good book can sit beside a worried child, though it never stands in for a real conversation, or for proper support when something feels too big to carry alone.