A book can help with
For the squabbling, the score-keeping, and the fierce love underneath it.
Siblings fight. They fight over the bigger slice, the front seat, who started it, and who is secretly the favourite. It can wear a household down, and it can worry a parent who wonders whether they actually like each other at all. Mostly they do, and mostly it passes.
A book helps because it lets a child see the whole thing from the outside, and often from the other one’s point of view, which is the bit they can’t manage in the heat of it. The best ones are funny about the rivalry rather than disapproving, so nobody feels told off, and the fierce love underneath comes through anyway.
Here’s what I’d reach for. Find your child’s age and start there. If a new baby is the cause, the page on a new baby may suit better.
Mine, not yours
At this age it’s about possessions, fairness and attention. These name the jealousy kindly and let the affection show through.
Katie is a happy sort of girl until her little brother messes with her things, and then she becomes Bombaloo, all fists and fury and no words at all. It’s wonderfully non-judgemental about an older sibling’s frustration, and it shows her calming down and being loved anyway. Good for the big one who keeps losing their temper with the little one.
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Rubina is made to take her little sister along to a birthday party, and when her sister eats her precious lollipop the injustice is enormous, until years later Rubina chooses to break the cycle. It’s beautifully observed about unfairness between siblings and about growing generous. One of the best books there is on the subject.
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Seeing it from both sides
Older children can hold two points of view at once, which is exactly what’s needed. These are funny and disarming with it.
A brother and sister each explain, in turn, exactly why the other one is intolerable and obviously the favourite. Telling it from both sides is the whole trick, and children laugh and recognise themselves in equal measure. Blume is perfect on the everyday warfare of siblings.
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A little brother lists all the ways he’ll get his own back on his rotten older brother Anthony, once he’s six. It’s very funny about the powerlessness of being the younger one, and it lets a child enjoy their revenge fantasies harmlessly on the page. A classic, and a relief for the smallest in the house.
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Sorting it out themselves
By this age they can take some real responsibility for how they treat each other, with a bit of practical help.
Written straight to the child rather than the parent, this tackles the fighting, bossing, teasing and tattling head-on, with practical ways to sort things out themselves. It’s warm and witty and takes their frustrations seriously. From the author of the excellent worry books, and just as sensible.
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Shannon’s best friend joins the popular group and Shannon spends years hovering at the edge of it, wanting in. A graphic memoir, so it goes down easily, and it is honest about how much of that wanting is about being chosen rather than about the friends themselves. Her older sister frightens and hurts her, and that runs right through the book, so it is worth reading yourself first.
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Something to do together
A simple set of house rules for arguments, worked out together, plus a page for each child to note one thing they secretly like about the other. I’m making it now, and it will live here soon.
Squabbling isn’t a sign that siblings don’t love each other, it’s mostly a sign that they live together. What matters is that neither one is routinely the loser, and that both feel separately seen by you.
So try not to be the constant referee, avoid comparing them out loud, and give each of them a bit of time that’s only theirs. Most of the rivalry softens as they grow, and the bond usually outlasts every argument.
These pages are written for the grown-ups looking after a child: parents, teachers and carers. A good book can sit beside a worried child, though it never stands in for a real conversation, or for proper support when something feels too big to carry alone.