A book can help with
For the child who finds those two small words so very hard to get out.
Saying sorry, and meaning it, is one of the harder things we ask of a small person. A forced ‘sorry’ through gritted teeth teaches them very little, because underneath it they’re usually wrestling with shame, or the sense that apologising means they’re bad, rather than that they did a thing that hurt someone.
A story helps by letting a child watch someone else get it wrong, feel the muddle of it, and then put it right, and see that the world doesn’t end and the friendship mends. It quietly separates the deed from the child, which is what makes a real apology possible in the first place.
Here’s what I’d reach for. Find your child’s age and start there.
The first sorry
At this age sorry is a word they are still learning to mean rather than simply say. Short books with a clear picture of the mending in them do more good than any amount of explaining.
Mouse is late for his supper and cannot get home without using his manners. One idea, told in a handful of words, which is exactly right at this age, and sturdy enough for the handling a two-year-old gives a book.
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A girl’s kite gets broken, she roars that Bear is horrible, and then she breaks something herself and the whole thing looks rather different. The apology comes from her rather than from him, which is unusual and useful. Loud and funny to read aloud.
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The basics, without the shame
At this age it’s about the basics: that everyone gets it wrong sometimes, and that sorry is how we begin to mend it. Keep it light and free of shame.
Two best friends fall out, feel wretched about it, and find their way back to each other, from the author of Guess How Much I Love You. It’s tender rather than moralising, and it shows a child that a quarrel with someone you love is frightening precisely because you care. Gentle, and reassuring about making up.
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Martha the otter is very good at everything except apologising, and slowly discovers that people are a little less keen to play with someone who never says sorry. It makes its point through the story rather than a lecture, which is why it lands. Good for the child who digs their heels in when they know they should apologise.
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More than just the word
Older children can grasp that a real apology is more than a word, it’s putting something right. These go a little deeper.
Lilly adores her teacher until he confiscates her beloved purse, and in a temper she does something unkind, then has to work out how to make genuine amends. Henkes lets her feel the full weight of getting it wrong and the relief of putting it right, which is far more useful than a tidy ‘sorry’. Funny, and quietly wise about owning up.
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A wordless picture book in which a boy accidentally hurts a classmate, and the group has to find its way through the upset to forgiveness. Because there are no words, an older child has to read the feelings on the faces, which is its own gentle lesson in seeing how their actions land on others. A good one to talk around together.
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Owning what you did
Older children can hold the harder version of this, that a real apology means facing what you actually did and living with how it landed. Each of these gives them a character doing exactly that.
Chase falls off a roof, loses his memory, and comes back to school to discover he was the boy everyone was frightened of. Working out what to do about that is the whole book, and it does not let him off with a quick sorry. Told from several points of view, including those of the children he hurt.
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Seven children take turns telling the story of their year with a new teacher, until a snowball goes wrong and he ends up in a coma. What follows is about who owns their part in it, and not only the boy who threw it. The accident sits at the centre of the second half, so it is worth knowing that before you hand it over.
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Something to do together
A simple page to work through together after things go wrong: what happened, how it made someone feel, and one thing that would help put it right. I’m making it now, and it will live here soon.
A sorry that’s dragged out of a child teaches them to mind getting caught, not to mind the hurt they caused. What these stories build is the thing underneath a real apology: the ability to see the other person, and to want to mend it.
So go easy on demanding the word, and make it safe to own a mistake without a great fuss. A child who isn’t shamed for getting it wrong finds sorry a good deal easier to say.
These pages are written for the grown-ups looking after a child: parents, teachers and carers. A good book can sit beside a worried child, though it never stands in for a real conversation, or for proper support when something feels too big to carry alone.